I am too old to live at home

The benefits from living at home (Saving money, not having the responsibility of a house etc, not having to pay for groceries...) are starting to totally NOT outweigh the negatives (having no control over the environment, people moving your stuff around and not knowing where it is when you need it, being affected by 4 other people's moods, not cooking your own meals, having to clean up after 4 other people...).

I thought I could do it for the duration of the summer since I gave up the job in Pittsburgh but I am 100% regretting that. This house is driving me insane. When I was in Denver my brother and I talked about this happening. Last fall when I drove him down we really bonded. He came home for a month at xmas and said "I don't like you anymore." It really hurt me but he was picking up on the difference of my moods when I live at home versus when I don't.

I have an amazingly supportive family who gave me everything I could possibly need. They spoiled me rotten. But they drive me insane. Communication is awful around here. Someone is always pissed about something. I have no control over the cleanliness of the house. No one contributes so I figure why the hell should I. UGH, either way I need to get out of here. Its too much to handle living here and I am WAYYYYY happier and less stressed when I live on my own. Or somewhere besides here haha. Im def regretting my decision to stay in Erie for the summer. Not to mention my babysitting hours are wayyyy less than I anticipated so I am making like 0 dollars and I am spending way too much time at the house. No hobby will take up enough time either! Ugh.

I got so pissed the other day when my mom/dad and I had a fight over something ridiculous and were standing in the kitchen screaming at each other which ended in my mom saying "If you don't like it, go somewhere else!" and I said "Why the $%* do you think I am going to guatemala?" and then she cried saying "You don't have to go all the way to Guatemala to get away from me". This ranks up there on the dramatic scale with her comment a few months back that went something like "Just hope you dont come back in a body bag".

All I know is I am setting aside money so the minute I get back I can get off the plane and go to my new apartment because I will NOT move back home again. Somebody
hold me to it!



GOOD NEWS: I will be house sitting for 10 days, starting in 48 hours so I will have some freedom for a few days. Cant wait!!!

Living Well Is The Best Revenge

At a bar in Carmel I read something that said "Living Well Is The Best Revenge." I know it sounds awfully hostile to think that way, but isn't it true?

People come and go in your life and some of them really damage you. Years later when you look at your life it's hard not to wonder what they would think if they could see you now. A certain someone who was very, very important to me left my life in a traumatic way. I, whether justly or not, felt that this must mean I was not good enough for them. If I weren't good enough for them, how could I be good enough for anyone else? This person knew everything about me and walked away from me. This HAD to mean something about the quality of my being, right?

That was my thought pattern for a good year or two. Once I climbed out from underneath that rubble I realized while it did mean I had some things to work on and growth to make, that persons betrayal did not have anything to do with the quality of me. It said more about them, actually. For awhile I thought a lot about wishing they felt as bad as I did and hoping karma bit them in the end. That would be the best revenge...reading in the end that everything they traded me for didn't work out in the end. But then I realized, waking up everyday now and being happy....finding pleasure in the little things again...smiling and feeling it from the core...this "living well" is certainly the sweetest revenge.

Weddings, Monsoons and Ninja Turtles

Im officially on summer vacation and it is glorious. I came back from cali, had 3 days of "work" which really ended up being 2 days of reading magazines and doing my co-workers hair...and then freedom! Sat was my friends Andy/Amanda's wedding which is insane because we hung out in high school and while a few others are engaged, they are the first to get married. I still feel 17 and far too young/immature to even see a ring on one of our fingers! Haha. The wedding reception was so much fun and even though I was awkwardly placed in the middle, literally, of my two good friends who had a tumultuous dating record for the better part of college and recently separated on bad terms...it still was a blast. I'm proud of them both for being able to handle the situation so well. It could have been a TERRIBLY awkward night but turned out to be awesome! We were all fucked up when we left the place and I got a new centerpiece fish out of the experience. His name is Leopold and I still haven't bought fish food for him so Leopold may die this week. Afterwards we went down to the bars, apparently..don't quote me on that. Andy left his debit card. I woke up not knowing how I got a boutonniere off some dude from the wedding parties jacket. Lindsey told us we were all "A hot mess". It was a successful night on many levels. And Congrats to the new W's!

On to the next thing. I've enjoyed a day in the sun and was able to ignore the fact that I dread wearing swim suits and actually established a minor tan (I do not tan well-- but I did buy a new suit for the season!). I biked to the farm and back..in a monsoon. (26 miles) I rollerbladed the peninsula (13miles) And the highlight of vacation so far...I bought and watched the Classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Ohhhh summer is here!

Bad news tho...I was supposed to go visit my friend who is in jail but I just couldn't. I am so terribly anxious about having to go. I know it wouldn't even be that bad but I just can't get up the courage to do it. Ughhh.....I can only go on Sundays so maybe ill really honestly try for this week? Im sorry for not visiting and I know he was disappointed that I didnt go....

Status: Soltera. (That means Single!)

I'm finding these seemingly GREAT guys in terribly STICKY situations. And its bumming me out.

I feel like I have it made right now as far as my relationship mentality. I just want a fling, I don't want a husband. So I am playing the no strings attached game. I want someone to spend time with, to bring some spice into my life lol. If it turns into a something that I can potentially come home to after my traveling gig than that is FANTASTIC. But if not, that is fantastic too. I was hoping to just enjoy the company for the summer without worrying about "where is this headed" and all the long term garbage.

Enter boy 1: goes awesome til he freaks out bc of a freshly ended long term relationship. Thinks im "great" and feels sad but its just too soon. Totally understandable but a minor bummer still... [enter fizzling noise here.]
Re-enter boy 2: ...he thinks im "perfect" but the whole shebang comes to its climax when I start to think we could realllyyyy have a fun thing and he decides its a no go bc of his past relationship thing. [enter screeching hault noise here]

Both situations I can't tell if they are both very mature or very annoying. I commend them both for having the balls to tell me up front and early on that they were kinda stuck on other things. Also they both knew I am peacin out in Sept so I wonder if it was in part defending themselves against certain breakup in the near future. Ok so yes, they are both being responsible and mature...damnit.
Regardless, this whole being "great" thing yet having terrible timing is starting to wear on me. Boy 2 in particular bc he gave me the first butterflies in a long time...Bummer :/

I cant blame either because I understand their situations (from as much as I know) and i'm trying to be mature and respond accordingly. Every now and then I get a fleeting feeling of "DAMN thats annoying" but i've become a fortress in the last few years so a fortress i'll remain.

Summer Loving

So I have been making a list of fun things to do this summer. I don't have work so I'll be babysitting 3-4 days a week but in my spare time I want to kick ass on the fun-meter. Im recruiting play dates if anyone is interested!

My list includes:
*Go camping at the farm at least twice given this is the last summer it will be a Fischer Family asset (those bastards are selling it).
*Go camping in Warren
*Go canoeing or Kayaking
*ride a go kart
*go grape stomping
*parasailing
*Skinny dip
*Ride the north east bike trail
*Attend the following: 8 great tuesdays...wed music at the beach...a movie at the arboretum. Theyre all free, and fun. I like it!
*Shoot a gun
*Go paintballing
*Ride a motorcycle
*Go to my first Buck Night at the Seawolves game!
*Go to a wedding
*Pole dance
*Wind surf
*Try a trapeze lesson
*Ride a tandem bike
*Fly a kite
*Go to asbury park since its my "backyard" and I've never been

So the plan is to earn a shit ton of money to save for September and smile for the better part of most days :) Salud!

I hope you packed your A-Game...

Last Wed I drove to WashPa, to Sams house so we could fly out of Pitt the next day for our much anticipated Semester at Sea Fall 06 Reunion! This reunion was so hard to get together. We had been tossing the idea around for nearly a year, discussing how fun it would be and possible locations. Finally one day Sam and I were irritated that it wasn't happening so we said "fuck it, were coming to CA!" and bought our tickets.

I don't know how to describe the conditions on semester at sea that brought us all together as friends. There were a lot of us that were part of our crew on ship and towards the end it started to unravel. Its strange, living on a ship and traveling the world with strangers. You bond so quickly due to these completely foreign and challenging experiences and it creates a connection unlike that of any "real world" friendship. It's like being in a car accident with a friend...or getting kidnapped with a friend...unless you are there in the moment, you can't explain what it does to you. Semester at sea was a lot like that. You left with this catalog of memories that were completely bizarre to everyone in your "real life" and you couldn't seem to find the words to help them understand, or relate, or even care really. You carry on with your regular life and its so refreshing talking to people who can help you to integrate those experiences into your character without putting off the people at home who don't understand. But you quickly learn how different your perspectives are, your families, lives, morals, etc. Things change really easily outside of those constrained ship environments. Suddenly you feel like you don't know them in everyday life and even that you don't fit in their lives anymore. It happens to a lot of SAS friendships and it happened to some of my closest ones. I'll always care for them but we just weren't meant to be friends in the long run.

SO, we all had fears that in the 3 years we hadn't seen one another, our friendships would have suffered similar fates to the friendships I just described. Cut to flight day...Sam and I woke up early for our flight and everything went smoothly that day. Pitt-Denver. Denver-Santa Barbara.SB-San Jose where Micah came to pick us up and drive us the hour or so to Carmel Valley where he is living. Micah, Sam and I got some beer and drank and his jeep and gossiped about our lives for an hour or two before James and Bobby landed. We went and picked them up and it was so good to see everyone!!! I saw James in Sept, I see Sam all the time but I haven't seen Micah since GA in May of 07 and I haven't seen Bobby since Dec 6th 2006, the day we landed in Ft Lauderdale after Semester at Sea. Our fears about not being on the same page with one another anymore could NOT have been more false. We picked up right where we left off. :)

Initially we anticipated Bobby, James, Micah, Sam and I would be the crew. Friday we get up and go for a hike while Micah is at work. Were sitting in the sun waiting for him to get back and who does he show up with but Whitney!!! Totally shocked! And then there were six :)

The only words I have to describe just how awesome this vacation was are: Fucking ridiculous. Amazing. and Epic. I think that says it all. But if not, ill continue rambling about why it was so perfect.

So after Whitney arrived we went grocery shopping, well the girls did. The boys stayed home and ate peanut butter or something. We bought tons of stuff so we could cook dinner all week and not have to spend a lot of money which was brilliant and delicious. Whit made stuffed shells, Bobby made spectacular specialty pancakes, I made mexican lasagna and Sam made broccoli alfredo pizza which we housed after playing burma ball for hours and drinking wine. Keep in mind this weekend consisted of consuming copious amounts of food every hour and intermittent drinking when our faces weren't being stuffed with food. Six pounds later, I'd come to regret all that exuberant consumption.

We cooked some delicious burgers to eat at the formal dining table and played power hour, taking care to stack our beers in a formidable tower. Micah starts dancing on chairs and we're all sloppy so we danced in the kitchen for awhile. James and I engaged in a power struggle/awkward display of strength that ended in my upper arms and lower legs being absolutely covered in black bruises that will show up in every picture taken during vacation from this point forward. Just what I was hoping for! So I was sad, he hugged me, we had a moment of brother/sister reconciliation and resumed the drinking at a local bar...with a vengeance.

Day 2: I got up and ran/hiked the trails, taking care not to get lost. I figured if I kept walking in one direction the park would have to end. After like 45 minutes I used my smarts and turned around. When I got back Micah showed me a map of the park. Ya, I would have met the parks "end" about 10 miles later...probably in another city.
We all had family breakfast and laid out by the filled-in pool hole until it was time to throw on some clothes and relocate to the tennis courts. The boys played tennis, Booby and I threw the football for awhile and Sam and Whit laid out in the corner. Sam and I tried playing shoeless tennis but the courts were so sweltering hot that we both ended up with souvenir blisters on our feet and had to retire to the playground. James whipped us all off this spinny toy and then we took photos of our amazingness as we all lept from the swing set like giddy 10 year olds. It was perfect. We ate, you know to keep our schedule, and went to do some wine tasting. After that was some SERIOUS Burma Ball, dancing like euro trash and that was that.

Day 3: We packed lunch and drove up the highway to this breathtaking overlook. We perched on the edge (our mothers would be furious), poured some beers and took it all in from our lawn chairs. Then we packed it up and hit the beach for a bonfire. We did cartwheels in the sunset, roasted some dogs and prayed that the sewers wouldn't spew. James and I saved the beach from a camp fire gone bad...no body thanked us. We went back to the house and played some ferocious rounds of Kings that required us to put our chins on the table if we drew an odd number and to chug our entire beers if we said anyone's names. I regret mandating the latter be a rule as I ended up chugging three just opened beers back to back because I am an asshole and can't remember my own rules. Like I say...there are rule breakers and rule makers in this world... :)

Day 4: We tanned "on deck" and shared porch juice with the virgins (to the drink, not for real virgins). We then got duded up in team all-star gear and went to the roller rink where we paid $7 for an afternoon of sheer, sweaty delight. Wearing jerseys and sweatbands we tore that shit up. Sam tied for first in the limbo competition (she competed against a slew of 8 year olds). I took down an old man and bruised my tail bone...but I also survived an attempted recruiting by a Roller Derby mama and learned some roller skating tricks in the process. It was awesome.
We then walked up the shore to the pier and had dinner. You'd be surprised how few people said stuff to us about our outfits... Then I found some bubble gum ice cream which is a throw back to my childhood when my gram would take all the grand-kids to the ice cream shop down the street and that's what I would get. I rarely see this stuff and haven't in years so it was a nice treat. We went back to the house and played some Uno. Well we all played, Micah cheated. We enjoyed the ambiance before packing up our shit and getting ready to go.

The next day we all headed to our respective airports and flew home. I drove up from Pitt and got in around 1am. My dad was really frightened when he saw my bruises by the way...

SO. Epic. yes!? yes.

The best part about all of this is the feeling we all left with. In regular life it is rare to meet people that share similar passions for travel and adventure. These people do. They are all doing interesting things with their lives....Teaching in Korea, plans to go to Europe, packing up and moving to Cali, spending months as an RA in 3 countries, looking for meaningful jobs....Life is good for everyone. We're on making our own ways, living the good life, and its inspiring. They all bring something different to the table that mixes and creates this intoxicating concoction (yes, aside from all the booze you people are still intoxicating to me) that is rejuvenating. It makes you want to make a to do list of all the things you've put off doing and actually do them. It gets my creative juices flowing and I like it. :) It was just what I needed...a family reunion. I love you all! (BFFL- We made it!)

SAS Reunion in California

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