Perfecty Lonely

In going through my computer to try to clean it off (I am in the market for a new lap top like the minute I get off the plane coming home from Central America) I found some really heartfelt words so I thought this might be a good place to air them.

So here is the run down of the situation that prompted this writing... Dated a boy for 3 years, fought a ton the last year, after almost a year of transcontinental dating we broke up via phone (sort of) with the intentions of "working it out in a month when were both home". A few weeks later I find out about the "new girl" via facebook (love that creeper network, right?) and am crushed. He wont talk to me, I chase him for months trying to figure it out, we have a brief period of half ass understanding and then he marries her and I never talk to him again. So it was traumatic, needless to say. While I am over it now, I do consider that one of the more character defining experiences in my adult life. A lot of my issues now with NOT wanting a boyfriend or any relationship stem from this experience....more on that later. For now: some heartfelt words from way back when.

Happy healthy blessed
Loving you sends me to sleep
Wakes me up refreshed
Got dressed
Looked my best
Sat down to talk to you
After breakfast
Nothing left
Sour milk, sour heart
That’s how fast things can change
In this stupid love game
Now im left here alone
You’re a thousand miles away
With a girl
And a smile
And you standing there beside her
Run for miles
Never could
Something now
Makes me good
Sip that beer
Slam that vodka
Forget me
Forget you
Sleep all day
Sleep all night
I don’t want to see the light
Food tastes no good
Life makes me cringe
Passion? Bullshit.
I don’t know what it is.
I hate you, you’re a dick
Make me sick
I wait for july
Then its you and me
On a beach
Side by side
Same as how it used to be
Youre so close
Don’t touch
He cant be mine
No such luck
I love you I need you
There is no me without you
I cant breathe
Whyd you go
I was your perfect girl
Three years, you looked me in the eye
Held me close
Now in no time at all
She stands beside you nice and tall
In my spot, in my shoes
Cant handle this news
Wait don’t go
Don’t walk away
Talk to me
Please stay
There goes there ring
On her finger
Your life becomes hers
And here I am
Feeling low
and insignificant
vowing never in my life
to let another person in.


Ok so back to "never letting another person in". I don't think I am damaged or have baggage anymore per say...but I do think I am a different person because of this experience. Let me explain: I HATED who I was the last year of that relationship and looking back on it, I am terribly uneasy admitting that it even WAS me in that relationship...I was a monster. I was they standard whining, nagging girlfriend who made a fuss over everything and found a problem in even the best of situations. I made it so hard for him to do right by me. I was absurd, really. This is not to say that he played no part in the ending of it all but it IS admitting my own fault and flaws.

So looking back and thinking we had it SO GOOD for 2 years. I was so happy with myself and who I was and HOW I treated him. But what switch flipped in me that turned me into a horrible, unhappy person? The fact that it was after two years makes me wonder, am I still capable of becoming that girl again in another relationship??? And worse, say I am capable, not knowing it until two years into the relationship? I could be married and miserable after two years of dating someone?! So it becomes clear why I am not willing to have a relationship.

I am leery to get involved because I dont want to open myself up to the opportunity to test it out and see if I still could BE that crazy girl. I dont want any part of it. And until I am SURE that there is no chance in hell I will flip that crazy switch again, I am not open to the idea of meeting someone who could actually play a crucial romantic role in my life. So I have instead chosen the "its whatever" route.

In hanging out with boys who don't want a relationship either, I am practicing caring less and less about what the other person in a relationship does and perfecting remaining low-key, low-drama. Maybe after time I will be able to be in a serious, committed relationship and be proud of the person I am when I am with someone else...

I am proud of the person I am independent of a significant other. I think I have grown tremendously in the last few years thanks to a few life-defining experiences. But I know that love makes us all crazy, especially when it is on it's way out...and I am not willing to risk it quite yet.







As always, this is perfectly described in a John Mayer song

Had a little love
But I spread it thin
Falling in her arms and out again
I made a bad name for my game 'round town
Tore out my heart and shut it down

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
And that's all I need

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me

I see my friends around from time to time
When their ladies let em slip away
And when they ask me how I'm doing with mine
This is always what I say

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one to be
Is it really hard to see?

Why I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And this is not to say
There never comes a day
I'll my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I'll have to thank the wrongs
That led me to a love so strong

I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me
It's the way that I want it