internalizing it all

I hate to complain because lets face it, I have it pretty good, so I do admit sounding like an rotten fool saying this but, I continue...the stress level in my life right now is through the roof and I am failing at controlling it.

Since the whole gram dying/break up mess I have a skewed way of dealing with stress. For about a year I was so overwhelmingly emotional and I had no idea how to heal. Part of my rehab (lol,ya i call it that) was learning how to move things from my conscious thought process and into the part of my head where they werent going to interfere with my daily life. Basically I became a pro at shutting thoughts off when I didnt want to deal with them. The problem with doing this is that while your head/heart combo is feeling stellar for putting the problem out of sight and out of mind, the rest of your system is failing. You still stress your body with the unconscious stress of emotional events. So while my person feels fine, acts fine and ignores the stress...the core of me is frantically trying to deal with it.

I did this once for so long that I had some really weird almost hallucinatory side effects. Lately i've been having the worst time sleeping. I'm on a weird schedule anyway since i'm not working so ill stay up til all hours and sleep all day...which i'm fine with. What I am not fine with is going to bed and waking up every 45 minutes for no damn reason. Its hard to get rested when this happens...I feel like a menopausal mama and i am NOT loving it. So I get up and am cranky and have no energy all day. And now I am starting to get canker sores from all the stress on my system.

I know I am nervous for this trip. Its a big deal and i'm encountering really mixed reactions to the whole thing. I feel in a lot of ways on my own in all of this and its stressful. There is also a TON i have to have taken care of before I leave...the most stressful being financial followed by finding new health insurance and grad school applications.

Here is to getting some decent sleep!